If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
