why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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