Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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