just come out here and I will go home with you...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
They have beer where we have blood.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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