Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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