plz talk dirty to me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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