Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
