good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I am naked and annoyed.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
