If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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