hotel room ftw
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
