I need to stop coming to work sober
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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