Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
