We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
