i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Randomize
