Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
