Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
