My friends, they love my intelligence
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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