i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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