I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
