Capitaan dildo arrescate!
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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