she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
