Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
it's like heaven, but drunker
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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