his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
