I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
