you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
