she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
