Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
