I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
