shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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