Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
