Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
