I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
