I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
