Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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