i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
