I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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