i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
