genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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