If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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