1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
