Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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