I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I fill condoms, not promises.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
