dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
