Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Dick very happy bro
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
