There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
one might say we're banned from that church
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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