I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
