so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
These 21 Declassified Government Horrors Are Unimaginable
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.