Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize