I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
