it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
