I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
