One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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