he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
