I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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