I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
