11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
