I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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